i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
