the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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