Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
