i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
