I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
