i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
