You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
