i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
