On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
