I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
why do cheetos always look like penises
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
