Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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