Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
