I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
