M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
