I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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