i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
