I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
