if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
