Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
