Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
