I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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