No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize