I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
