found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
