he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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