I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
