I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
