I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
