i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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