Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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