Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
