the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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