I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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