Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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