you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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