nut hugger
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
