you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
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He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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