Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
