You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
