I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
