The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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