I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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