it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
