Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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