I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You need a sexual gate keeper
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
