Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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