and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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