i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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