I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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