I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We're not piercing ourselves today.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.