i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
