please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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