I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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