I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
