trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
