My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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