Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
