She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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