I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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