I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
