Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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